How To Escape A broken Wallet From A Toxic Relationship

The Unspoken Killer of Financial Security That Nobody Talks About

By twenty years old, I found myself pregnant, hungry and alone in a strange new country in the Middle East.

I didn’t speak the language, have a phone or a credit card or my independence, but all I knew was that I wanted cheese because my tummy was rumbling.

So I searched underneath my couch cushions looking for lost coins, so I could buy cheese from the little convenience store next door.

I was confused because I knew that my new husband had a job and was amply financially supported by his parents. I just couldn’t understand what was going on because nobody ever talked to me about financial abuse. It went above my head, I just didn’t know that the term ‘financial abuse’ even existed.

It’s been over a decade and only now did I reach out to others to find out the real scoop on how a toxic relationship affected their wallets.

I figured that if we could find out how financial abuse occurs, then we can figure out how to prevent it from happening. Maybe we can find those red flags and stop them in their tracks before we ever get thrown into poverty in the first place.

To begin my research, I posted a simple question on Facebook that said, “Who else suffered financially from a toxic relationship?”

Within seconds, the whole internet nearly exploded with hundreds of people replying how they suffered from financial abuse. But I wanted to know more. HOW were most people affected financially?

The list of ways that people were financially abused mainly included the following:

• They took out loans and left both of us in debt
• Legal battles. They fought me in court over our divorce and/or repeatedly over child custody, which left me in poverty.
• I was left to raise my child alone. They financially and physically abandoned our child and I.
• I was forced to take out student loans even though we had money, because they were hiding funds from me.
• They spent all my money on a drug or alcohol addiction or on large purchases
• I couldn’t progress in work or school because they abandoned my child and I
• They made excuses not to go to work or contribute financially, so I was forced to pay all the bills.
• They stole my car, assets and credit cards and racked up debt without me knowing about it
• Their abuse left me unable to work due to the trauma I suffered from sexual assault, physical and/or emotional abuse.

Most of these survivors were women (duh). So I took my real friend Lisa’s financial abuse case, in order to walk us through the honeymoon phase to the broken wallet end. Her case is not extreme at all, but it does the trick. Then we can see where Lisa could’ve seen the red flags to stop the financial inequality in its’ tracks and even invested her time and money better.

I know Lisa’s case would’ve helped me when I was twenty!

So, my good friend Lisa, went all starry eyed went she met Brendan, a blue eyed, shiny shoed Swiss banker.

Brendan was an alarmingly charming, white privileged male and he even played the part of an emotionally intelligent, polyamorous feminist.

After a month of dating, Brendan asked Lisa to move in with him.

Lisa was smitten and called me up thrilled, “Oh my gawd he’s sooo into me! He just wants me around him ALL the time!”

“Cool, Lisa! I trust you know what you’re doing,” I replied, “I’m just putting it out there, that you really love your room. You even flew in an artist from the US to paint that gorgeous peacock mural on your living room wall. Are you sure you want to give all that up to move in with Brendan?”

Lisa thought about it some more and reasoned, “Well, I want to get married and have babies one day, so I’d have to make this move eventually. Plus, I’d only be paying Brendan $350 for rent and right now I’m paying $1000 so it’ll save me a lot of money in the long run.”

“Paying Brendan rent? Doesn’t he own his place?”

“Yeahhh, so?”

“So you’re moving in and essentially helping him pay off his mortgage while sharing his bed and sleeping with him?”

“Listen Tanya, I’m a feminist. I pay for myself. I’m not a freeloader.”

“Sharing someone’s bed isn’t the kind of thing you pay rent for. Plus you’re a student and he’s a wealthy banker. If he cared about female empowerment he wouldn’t dare take your money. Also, your name won’t be on any lease, so you’ll have no tenancy rights and he can kick you out and make you homeless within an hour.”

“Well, how does any couple move in together? I trust Brendan, otherwise I wouldn’t move in with him, Tanya. I feel like this is quick, but I also feel like it’s right.”

So Lisa moved in with Brendan.

His job and her monthly contributions helped him finish paying off his mortgage and soon he and Lisa were looking to upgrade their lifestyle and buy a new home in Toronto’s snazziest neighbourhood.

Lisa contributed to Brendan’s new home by putting her master’s thesis aside for a couple of months while she organized renovating and furnishing their new home.

As a feminist, Brendan wasn’t completely neglectful of Lisa’s efforts. After all, he gave her a few months of free rent! The difference is, Lisa’s work was not a lucrative investment, because she was being paid for her time, but it was at the cost of investing in her own education. Meanwhile, Brendan’s real estate asset would continue to grow and pay him for decades to come.

Now Brendan’s new home was freshly renovated and furnished and his asset was doing great but after a year and a half, their relationship was not.

A few weeks later, Brendan asked Lisa to move out.

“Ugh the lawyer told me I have no right to stay there because I have no lease!” Lisa complained, “I put my school and career aside for his house because I thought it was a long term investment for US. Now I need to catch up on all my work and spend an extra $6000 to move into a new place and furnish it. I feel like he financially capitalized on our relationship and I became broke from it,” Lisa lamented.

“Hey babe, no worries. It happens to the best of us. I raised two babies alone which put me in poverty too for a while. I feel ya.”

Lisa continued, “I feel like a dumbass, not because I trusted Brendan, but for failing to set myself up so that I kept investing in my personal and financial growth instead of Brendan’s.”

A banker knows that getting paid per hour isn’t a lucrative time investment. They know to focus on investing time and energy in assets that grow for them like stocks and mutual funds and real estate.

Lisa realized that she’d invested her time, money and ‘unpaid labour’ to enable Brendan’s investments to flourish while she was doing her best to be a feminist and contribute her time and finances.

Lisa may or may not sound naive to you, but the fact is, most women end up like Lisa at some point in their lives.

I have yet to meet a woman who has never suffered financially from any of her past heterosexual relationships.

This trend of women failing to invest in building their emotional selves, their careers, their assets, their businesses, their university degrees due to their desire to be loved and accepted, due to motherhood or due to the way they were raised and socialized to be ‘a caring and helpful girl’, ultimately puts them in financial deficit.

If Lisa really wanted to move in with Brendan, a more calculated way of doing so would be to inform him that she wouldn’t be paying him rent to share his bed, and also ask him to assume her costs of moving. She could’ve also requested he write up a lease with her name on it.

Like most women, Lisa had to learn how to TAKE, not how to give. This was also a pivotal point and opportunity to test Brendan’s capacity to GIVE.

This testing phase would have also set the stage for Brendan to reconsider being with Lisa in the first place. As a narcissist who values amassing wealth and power, would Brendan agree to be the giver in his relationship? Never.

Would paying for Lisa’s move or having someone live in his house for free sound attractive to Brendan? Probably not, which would have saved Lisa from being homeless for months.

If in fact Brendan did pay for Lisa’s move, by 15 months into their relationship, Lisa would have saved $1000 per month to cover her $6000 moving costs and perhaps wisely invested the remaining $9000 she saved on rent.

But in real life, no extreme is healthy. Partners who insist on paying ALL the costs can also be using this as a manipulation to make their partner feel indebted to them. So they feel guilty or insecure saying, ‘no’ to their demands or meeting their expectations.

So how could Lisa have done things differently to get rich off their relationship instead of end up in debt?

She could have set higher standards for herself. She could have had a paper on her fridge that said, “Rules To Live By’.

I’d be richer had I hung this up on my fridge as well. The ‘Rules To Live By’ would say:

• I will only live in a home where my name is on the lease.
• I will only date people who not only encourage me, but actively help me to meet my own personal goals (not theirs).
• I will only spend time with people who make me feel safe, smart and appreciated.
• When in a relationship, I will always have a backup emergency place to stay and finances to keep me afloat for at least two months.
• I will never help someone grow their business or asset that does not have my name on it, unless they pay me well for my time so I can invest that money in my own education, asset or business.
• I will never share my banking information or PIN codes with my partner. By bank account and credit cards are only mine.
• I will not invest more time than my partner doing unpaid labour such as housework, grocery shopping, childcare, paying the bills and cooking.
• I will never pay someone to share their bed with them.
• I will never lend a partner money for any reason. If they’ve lived without me before we met, they’ll find a way to get by without me after we met.
• I will never pay for my partner’s bills. Not even once.
• I am valuable just being ME. I do not have to make myself ‘more valuable’ in someone’s life at the cost of my time and money. After all, if someone wants to be with me, they will go out of their way to be with me. On the other hand, if someone doesn’t want to be with me, nothing on earth can make them stay, and that’s okay.

Ultimately, relationships evolve as we evolve, and it’s best to check in with ourselves periodically to ensure our own wellbeing.

It’s okay to say, “Hey, I love you very much, but I see you need more help. Right now I don’t feel I can give you what you need. Let’s reconnect when you’re able to be independent again!” Let them grow up on their own.

It’s not your job, you’re no one’s mama (but your baby’s).

At the end of each day you spend with someone, your relationship will have changed. You will have learned more about them, seen them in a new situation or observed them tackling a new challenge.

Each of these is an opportunity to reassess if this person is still good enough for you, if they still provide you with the proper amount of love, care and attention you deserve.

Otherwise, you’re better off nurturing yourself and your friendships, and providing for yourself.

Because after all, honey, you have high standards!

And so does Lisa, who by the way, is now going steady with a medical resident ten years her junior, who treats her like the queen she is. 👑⛑

Tanya is a mental health nurse specializing in trauma therapy and women’s health. She writes for Rewire Trauma Therapy’s online therapy services: https://www.rewiretraumatherapy.com/